You cannot compete

You cannot compete with racial socialisation using logic and reason. In the mind of a person raised in fear and mistrust, logic and reason are the last thing such a person would resort to in order to understand the absurdity of racism for what it is. That racism is painful, humiliating and discouraging will also be beyond such a person as socialisation teaches them that it racism is good and keeps good order.

You hear counter-arguments such as "It's culture and not racism" and "There is nothing wrong with people of the same kind wanting to be together." These statements and more, are typical justifications for what under the surface is a continuation of a bad and unscientific idea that has unnecessarily provoked people to violence, further hatred, depression, fear and discomfort.

For several months now I have battled to get so many of these ugly words out of my mind, but I haven't had much chance to recover between the frequent humiliation that comes from bearing the brunt of racial prejudice. It's not just the direct attacks, or even the subtle ones, but also collateral fallout I have with those who aren't racist but are pressured by the domineering racist personalities to conform to the culture of hatred. It's like how girls spread damaging rumours about another girl they don't like or are jealous of, or just exclude her entirely. They have the sense and understanding that it would break her spirit or cause her to go mad. And even those who aren't willing participants in the humiliation still participate for fear of being ostracised or humiliated in the same way.

I feel like I am struggling to breathe. What was vibrant creativity has now been reduced to indifference. I look at how I have changed as the racial humiliation I have experienced has only grown over the years and see the signs of what it means to be racially socially. Liberal thoughts and open-mindedness are like a sign of agression even though they actually mean no harm. But it is only enough to perceive harm to have people treat you off-handedly be it to protect their "culture" or to protect themselves from ostracisation.

What an awful society. I can't believe that my levels of affection have become so low and my ability to endure has become so thin. I can't think clearly most of the day and miss my old self. I feel so helpless, trapped and exposed. I wish I could fix this, but I cannot - not on my own. It's not a societal change that I am looking for but just one person to stand in person in solidarity.

I am beyond the stage of even of hoping decent treatment and that has so stifled my ability to be energetic, forward-planning and creative. I feel so unfamiliar in my setting and environment confused as to where places are, what people's names are, what I do, who I am. Those things were so much clearer before but now are even beyond a memory.

It was horrible how this tragedy came upon me. First it was one incident, then another, before long there was a whole string of them. All met with disappointments and broken trust. It's like it is all a ruse. They watch you plant a seed and then look to either claim it as their own or destroy it. And they do it with such impunity.

I set out on a mission some years back to rid myself of so much of the ugliness in our society. I've looked for volunteers for a mission of peace. I wanted to be able to have and see so much more positivity. But I've only been met with hostility.

I wish I could rid myself of these words, but until something wonderful happens that I can describe, I am bound to them. O me miserum.